I have been struggling lately. I have no reason to be and I feel guilty for the struggle. I am fortunate and have a wonderful family. I have a good job that is extraordinarily flexible. But in the background, there is a sense of ennui. I can identify the problems, but lack the motivation to pursue the solutions. And then there are the ghosts of the past which float in the air unseen and unremembered until they are summoned by a random thought, memory, or glance at the calendar. February is the month of my cancer diagnosis in 2012. My dad’s last month of life in 2020. Also the last month of normalcy two years ago before the pandemic changed life as we knew it.
I have tried to be easy on myself. I have allowed myself downtime and rest time on the weekends instead of worshipping at the altar of productivity. But the twin regrets of wasted time and laziness echo in my head as I stare at the blank pages of my journal at night. There is hope on the horizon, there are plans which have been made and there is a future to be had but there is also uncertainty and obstacles along the way.
Structure helps and the extra days at home from this snowy icy weather have no doubt exacerbated my feelings. It is a cruel irony that although I adore my time at home, the empty hours make me feel as if I am not doing enough. But for today I will let go of the coulds and the shoulds that accompany the end of a long weekend. Tomorrow I will start again. I know it won’t “fix” anything and today’s problems will be waiting tomorrow. And that’s ok. In the words of Hagrid from Harry Potter, “what’s comin’ will come and we’ll meet it when it does”.
-Karri Temple Brackett
February 6, 2022